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Know Your Worth (The Cat(s) Pyjamas)

Omg guys, celebrate with me! I bought these (very cute!) cat pyjama pants as ‘goal pants’ to fit into once I lost some more weight. So I thought I’d try them on to see how far I had to go before they’d fit (assuming they’d stop at my thighs at this stage)...and they were too big! The size below these, or maybe even the next one down, would have actually been the right fit. I know I (clearly!) still have some work to do on my distorted perception (BDD) - but despite this situation reminding me that I’m not seeing myself as I really am yet, it also got me thinking about how much I actually love my body and myself, regardless of real or perceived size or shape - or what the tag on my clothes says. My main goal is to continue to work on becoming healthier everyday, and to keep increasing my level of fulfilment in body, mind and spirit. Because once I first achieved that fulfilment, I became UNfuckingSTOPPABLE (which is why I’m now passionate AF to help others do the
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Failure or Opportunity?

Last week I was really upset about how poorly I felt I was progressing in my training. During the last few sessions, I kept on getting smashed on the mats and was feeling so clueless at times – as though my skill had just disappeared. I know I was putting a lot of unnecessary pressure and expectations on myself because it was my 6 month 'anniversary' of starting Jiu Jitsu, but it felt very real. And that, coupled with months of a weight loss plateau - and knowing that still being overweight is impacting on my agility and abilities, really started to get to me. But, after talking it through, and some beautiful supportive words from my husband and my Jits sister, I chose to stop feeling sorry for myself and see this differently. I asked myself what this lesson was teaching me. It wasn’t that long ago that I couldn’t even walk more than a block because I was so overweight, unhealthy and unfit. Now I’m 70kgs (154lbs) lighter and training Jiu Jitsu! It’s not like I

Restless resting

So, let's be honest. I can be a pretty clumsy person at times - and 'graceful' is not really a word you'd use to describe me. But, this week at training (BJJ) I managed to clunk my way through one of my most clumsy, ungraceful moves yet. I'd hurt myself a bit in the first drill of the night, but was far too stubborn determined to stop training. I was only 5 minutes in and I really needed time on the mats for some 'Jits therapy', so I just decided to take things a little easier but to definitely keep going. During one move,  I was particularly ungraceful and managed to wrench my back pretty badly, with some serious crack and pop noises to accompany the pain. So I stopped, gently moved around, and was pleasantly surprised to find that everything felt okay. (Cue: false sense of security). I took it fairly easy for the rest of the session, and rolled light - but did get a damn fine guard - sweep - mount move in, which I was pretty proud of (le

The pieces fit.

It's actually incredible to see how much of a positive impact certain experiences can have on us - especially those things that we never expected would make such a big difference.  My most recent experience with this was last week during BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) training, where I experienced some serious shifts in my mindset and abilities. First Session In the first session last week, we learned a technique which required us to stand from kneeling, without using our arms to help us up, and while our training partner had us in 'closed guard' (on their back in front of you, with their legs wrapped around your waist, and their feet locked together). So, this meant we were having to try to lift our own weight with our training partner attached to us at the same time.  Because I carry the majority of my excess weight around my middle, and I'm still working on building my muscle strength for moves like this, I'd not yet had much luck being able to stand fr

This tedious path.

I won't lie. Some days I become very weary and tired of fighting this bullshit inside my own head. It becomes tedious. But, once I recognise I'm in this space, I kick my own ass with a bit of tough self-love, remind myself that I actually did this to myself, and that until I fix the problem I don't have the luxury of even considering resting or giving up. I know there are people that disagree with this approach, but this works for me. (If this doesn't work for you and will only make you feel worse, then obviously don't do this!) I won't wallow in self-pity - although, I will allow myself a few moments of whinging. About a month ago, I came home hungry, tired, and over it. And I said to my husband "am I skinny yet? I'm hungry!" We both had a laugh, which pulled me out of the minor moment of self-pity I was feeling, and then carried on with my day. (And no, of course this journey isn't about being 'skinny', (even my g


Determination to push past my comfort zones and self-imposed restrictions has played a major role in my goal setting this year - and one of the biggest goals that I set myself was to start learning a martial art. When I first told my family that I wanted to start learning Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ), they laughed because they thought I was making a joke. They weren't being cruel, they honestly thought that I was trying to be funny because this was such an unexpected thing for me to tell them.   I'd secretly wanted to learn a martial art my whole life, but the reality was that from a very young age I was far too big for activities like that. When I was at my heaviest, not only was I completely unfit, but I could barely walk 100 meters without severe pain in various parts of my body. So learning a martial art was certainly not a possibility, and so I gave up on the idea. It became just another unfulfilled and almost-forgotten dream for a long time. At some poi

Goal Setting

I believe that goals are an important part of everyone's life. They give you passion, drive, aspiration, inspiration, motivation. And ultimately I believe they give you hope. On some of my darkest days, it's the heavy weight of hopelessness that's probably the hardest thing to overcome. Depression is a cruel beast, and being able to see any light on the horizon can be very difficult when you're in that dark place. But I believe that hope combats despair, so having a glimmer of hope amongst the darkness has been one of the best methods I've found to help lift me back into a better space. Earlier this year I decided that I needed to set a lot more realistic and achievable goals than I had in previous years, and that goal setting (and, in a way, 'life planning') was going to be a priority and a new method of managing myself, my wellbeing and my time. I need routine and I need goals - and I need to try to keep my mind occupied with good, healthy