I won't lie. Some days I become very weary and tired of fighting this bullshit inside my own head.
It becomes tedious.
But, once I recognise I'm in this space, I kick my own ass with a bit of tough self-love, remind myself that I actually did this to myself, and that until I fix the problem I don't have the luxury of even considering resting or giving up.
I know there are people that disagree with this approach, but this works for me. (If this doesn't work for you and will only make you feel worse, then obviously don't do this!)
I won't wallow in self-pity - although, I will allow myself a few moments of whinging.
About a month ago, I came home hungry, tired, and over it. And I said to my husband "am I skinny yet? I'm hungry!" We both had a laugh, which pulled me out of the minor moment of self-pity I was feeling, and then carried on with my day. (And no, of course this journey isn't about being 'skinny', (even my goal weight wouldn't see me classed as 'skinny') it's about health and conquering the eating disorder, but this was just the shorthand way of saying that).
There's no denying that there are some days where it's really difficult to replace the internal dialogue of the eating disorder's lies and taunting with an attempt at an empowered internal dialogue of fighting against the ED's voice. Because, regardless of the type of internal dialogue that's present, either way you're constantly running those thoughts through your head.
It's like when someone tells you not to think about something, and all of a sudden you're thinking about it, because you have to think about it to tell yourself to not think about it. Cos it is what you're thinking about trying to not think of. (That sounded strange, but you know what I mean.)
So whether they're good or bad thoughts, fighting or conceding thoughts, or weak or strong thoughts, you're still thinking about the issue.
And that can take up a lot of energy.
But the lesson is to never give up.
Some days I look in the mirror and just sigh, because I still see the same person I was at my heaviest.
Logically I know that's not real. The scales and my clothes tell me I'm far smaller now, and my ability to move with ease proves that I'm very different physically. But I still see 'her'. (Blog on Body Dysmorphic Disorder and distorted self-image still to come.)
And for one brief moment I just want to give up, because now even my eyes are deceiving me. And on a bad day, it can feel like I'm being 'ganged up on' by my own brain, thoughts, and eyes.
But I am my brain. I am my thoughts. I am my eyes. I just need to find a way to properly exist in harmony with them again.
So I take a deep breath and just move onto another thought - and try to do something constructive with my time and energy, because I've found that's one of the best strategies to try to fight off the risk of spiralling downwards. (I'll post a blog about this soon, too.)
So this may become tedious at times. And I realise that this battle may continue throughout my entire life.
But I won't stop fighting.
|"The lesson is to never give up"|
I'm uncertain of the weight difference between these pictures.
Approx. 30kg (66lbs) difference.